I rarely check myspace. But today when I was looking at it, I randomly clicked on my friend Dane Hansen’s profile and his “About me” section is hilarious.
“My name is Dane Hansen and I can be bought easily with money.
For the most part I hold in my poop until I am at work. I do that because I feel like pooping is work, and that I deserve to get paid to do it. Also when I do go poop, I poop exclusively in the handicapped stall. And it’s not because I am handicapped, or that I need to use the handrails; in fact, I avoid the handrails at all costs so that I do not catch handicap. My reason for going in there is the ample seating and legroom. A normal stall does not do me justice. Also the door to the handicap stall opens out, not it. that way you aren’t forced to touch the toilet with your pants. I go swimming every single day. Why? Because it’s way more fun than taking a shower. And when I say swimming I don’t mean swimming laps. In fact I probably don’t know how to swim. I mean splashing and floating and then jumping on the toys as hard as possible. Thats my kind of swimming. I am from Boise, Idaho, but right now I live in Utah at Pizza Manor 3.0 (the third in a long legacy of Pizza Manors) working at Axis41 making Flash. I beat Minesweeper set on “expert” level all the damn time. I would someday like to do a study on Juggalos. I am afraid of other countries. I think that every country except America is a barren post-apocalyptic Soviet Union, amistd a nuclear winter. That doesn’t apply to Japan though. Japan is the future. In Japan, even the quaintest of suburban neighborhoods looks like Times Square on a weekend. I think if I went there I would be a god.”